04.06.06

just.say.no...right?

What I wouldn't give for just a little coke. A half gram. A gram would be better.

I'm contemplating drinking a big chunk of (morphine-full) cough medicine. At least I'll be less...me.

Why is it I need drugs or sex or both to feel alive? I'm just so sick of me.

Small recap: Went to FL with Jordan, Will & the baby. She swore she'd get me back for half the food, half the room, etc. Hah. Got back, and discovered we'd been robbed. We continued to get robbed every day. We're probably still getting robbed. They came in when I was shitfaced, into my room, into the drawer next to my head while I was passed out and stole my (rX) drugs.

Threw a crazy ass party for Doug's bday, which was ruined by Doug's crazy friend. He got drunk, pushed everyone around (even me), and then his buddy promised me some Coke then stole my money. Then he came back to the house and rummaged in my bathroom and stole my last ritalin.

Jordan stopped speaking to me because I wouldn't hand over my inhaler. And then she stole it, and lied about it, and then I made her give it back. So she hasn't spoken to me since.

Then I had to go to California, and before I left I wrote on the fridge those who don't pay rent can't live here anymore. So they all moved out. So I did too.

We all know I can't be alone. And I'm so fucking alone. I went up to Beau's tonight, where Will's living, to hang out with the boys. Will & Beau put up with me pretty well, but WR & Jeremy were there, and normally they're pretty sweet to me but it was obvious I was PNG tonight. I dunno why.

I did the same thing I always do, laugh it off, act like I don't care if you hate me, but obviously, I do.

And that's the end of my friends, except Eric. Who seems to think we're sort of dating, without sex. So I have to cut myself off from him, because we'll never be more than friends. And he can't get that through his head.

Living with my parents is the worst idea ever. I'll take the bugulars.

God help me, I need some drugs. I wish I had Matt's #, but he's living with his weird girlfriend (okay - I'm jealous. I admit it. Shut up.), and he's trying to be clean...

But I don't have my dealers # anymore, cos my phone was stolen.

I just want some coke. Help. Help. Someone, anyone, just help me. I can't do it anymore. I've been on the cusp of breakdown for weeks now, and... I'm going.

I'm going to call Matt tomorrow. And then I'm going to see if Joanna will hang out with me this weekend, and I'll get trashed whether she does or not, and I just fucking won't care.

I can't do it. I just can't do it. Especially not by myself. I really really really want to talk to Andi, but what would I say? I'm pretty sure it wouldn't help her any either.

Fuck me. I'm so screwed.

4:57 am . by Mel